Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Wall

This is a very difficult blog post for me to write. Over the last 2 months I have pushed some of my own personal boundaries and have wrote about some of my insecurities and fears, but tonight is new ground for me.

I feel that I have hit a wall with my journey and I'm not sure where to go next. I have not been motivated during the last week or two to work out and I feel some of my food choices slipping. My motivation is still there, but figuring out how to get to the next level and keep up my progress is hard and to be honest, its really scary.

I have always had a strong disbelief about the theory that people stay big or fail to loose weight because of the fear of the unknown. I've actually laughed thinking that this is ridiculous, how can you be scared of loosing weight and be healthier and smaller. I'm not afraid of that, but I am afraid that I won't be able to keep going or that I won't know how to get past a challenge and sometime the thought is there that it would be easier to give up now before I make too much progress because I know the more I loose, the more devastated I will be if I can't do this.

My fears go past my weight loss and my food choices. They also seem to be creeping into my activity as well. 6 weeks ago I would be consistently at the gym during lunch trying my best at any work out video despite my level of fitness or how I was doing compared to the others I am working out with. Now I'm scared to try, I have come up with every excuse in the book why not to take my fit and active sister up on her offer to work out with me. I don't know the answer and I guess that is part of the problem.

I know that I continue to want this, but lately I feel too tired to try sometimes. I felt like I was lucky to avoid a number of the flu and cold bugs going around this winter, but lately I'm feeling that rather than getting an illness and just moving on I've just become a bit run down and I wondering if that is where some of this is coming. I am just tired. It is really hard to write about this and I am getting very emotional just putting down the words.

The good news is that after Friday I am going to off work for a week with my daughter. Then I go back to work for 2 days and after that I have another 3 days off just for me. I am hoping that somewhere during this time I will find me again.

Jacqui I will come out and work out with you, you just tell me when.


  1. I am 100% yours Monday and/or Thursday evening ;) I am sure mom would watch Sam and I can sign you in as a guest at the YMCA

  2. Ok I am going to come to spinning on Monday.
    There is no sparks b/c of March Break - Dawn